10 good reasons to get kinky

Find freedom in different forms of erotic play

Sexual norms are often dictated to us by the dominant culture of our daily lives and/or our cultural background. Yet turn ons, libidos and sexual interests are as unique and varied as the humans that engage in them.

Kink, fetish and BDSM are broad banners for practices and communities that have evolved as counter-cultures to the prevailing norms. Certain books, films, TV series and podcasts have shed some light on these interests and lifestyle choices and as a result they have become a lot more mainstream. There is now more acceptance and access to alternative sexual pathways. Some folk in 'the scene' lament this evolution (as core features become diluted) but as a sex-positive person, I would like to encourage every sexually active person to be curious about, accept and explore whatever it is that gets you going. There are certain activities and groups that subscribe to specific protocols however living a kinky life can be as kooky as you want it to be.

Sex positivity means maintaining an open and positive attitude to your own and others' sexual desires and interests. Even if some activities seem weird or downright unpleasant to you. Or, as is oft-said in sex positive circles, 'don't yuck someone else's yum'.

The full spectrum of all these things is totally ok, so long as every experience is taking place between fully consenting adults. I also need to emphasise understanding and practicing RACK - Risk Aware Conscious Kink or SSC - Safe Sane Consensual. More detail on these concepts can be found here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Risk-aware_consensual_kink. Consent and negotiation are also fundamental principles to ethical engagement in kinky activities. If you don't know what these look like in practice, you can find out more here: https://www.lascivity.co.uk/a-complete-guide-to-negotiation-in-bdsm/.

There are all sorts of reasons people may be drawn to 'different' styles of erotic engagement - and some of them may resonate with, surprise or inspire you. Whatever the case, you might like to consider expanding your repertoire of erotic activities because they can support things like:

1. Variety & 'play'

Sex is effectively 'adult playtime' - we get to put distractions and stressors aside and be fully present to our physical - and in most cases psychological - needs. The types of 'play' available ('play' being the term commonly used to describe kinky activities or dates) are wide-ranging and tap into so many facets of the human experience that one may continue to evolve infinitely through the diverse activities and humans one may encounter. For example, role play can be a fun way to switch off and get into a totally different mode of being.

2. Self-expression

Perhaps you have a proclivity that isn't commonly accepted? Or maybe you like dressing up in certain ways that make you feel a certain way? There are spaces and people willing and enthused by you choosing to be and explore all that you are. Or, you might simply be content doing it just for you. Cross-dressing, being a service slave or pet play may be just the way to inhabit an aspect of yourself that feels good.

3. Connection & belonging

Most humans seek connection and belonging. Being fully seen and validated by someone is a powerful affirmation of self. Doing 'different' things in a safe container is a life-line for some folk. Being accepted by a community committed to conscious living and loving can make the craziness of life a little more comforting. There are all sorts of specific sub-groups that are drawn together in the BDSM/fetish communities, such as latex lovers or rope afficionados. Even just the total acceptance by a Master/Mistress/Dom/Domme can create a sense of self and place that is deeply nourishing.

4. Self-exploration & development

Stepping into alternative worlds/activities/relationships can challenge one's perception of self and the world. There is so much learning to be had through exposing ourselves to new experiences! For example, in extreme impact play or sensory deprivation there is scope to test one's limits and gain insight into what makes one tick. In role play one may see an alternative perspective, expanding compassion and diversity.

5. Libido changes as we age or circumstances change

Our bodies and circumstances are constantly changing. Stress can be distracting, erections may be more unreliable over time (and is totally normal!!!), menopause is definitely a thing, we may be in or out of partnerships at any given moment - the list goes on... The great thing about having a range of sexual play means that you can pick and choose what activity might best serve you in any given moment! Power exchange needn't involve the genitals and certainly doesn't rely on erections, nor do a whole host of kinky activities such as corporal punishment, fire play or needles. Play can range from incredibly subtle and gentle to extreme and intense which can be negotiated according to the needs of the moment.

6. Release from prevailing power dynamics or roles in daily life

Like it or not, most of us are subject to certain roles that may limit or predispose us to certain behavioural constraints. Consciously choosing to step into another role or power dynamic enables us to maybe 'let go' or surrender for a moment, or exercise a side to ourself that doesn't normally get to express itself. Playing with power may involve taking on a Dominant, submissive or switch role - for a specific period of time or as a lifestyle choice. Role play can also facilitate connection with, exploration of and acceptance for different versions of self. Mummification and deep sensory deprivation can be a total switch off and calm down for those that find themselves in high pressure positions.

7. Processing or repositioning of adverse experiences

Consciously exploring difficult past experiences with a trusted and skilled play partner can be truly transformative for some people - and I emphasise the need for these to be with a skilled and trusted player! Whether it be rediscovering an experience with a more empowered outcome or having a safe space to accept and own a taboo driven turn-on, all manner of human experiences can be explored.

8. Exploration of taboos and shadows

The dark sides of the human experience are often shamed and hidden. We may find solace and release in owning these parts of ourselves and having them witnessed by another/others. We may understand ourselves and the world better through delving into the undeniable existence of darkness. Playing with sadism, indulging in bodily excretions of all sorts or age play are all examples of activities that may feel edgy in conventional erotic experiences but in a consensual container, they can be very liberating and exciting.

9. Emotional release or catharsis

We feel a lot of things. Sometimes these feelings are big and we don't know what to do with them. Sometimes the feelings don't just pass. Sometimes it really helps to create a safe container in which we can let all these things out. Again, I can only recommend this with an appropriately skilled and trusted person. These experiences may require extreme sensations or scenarios to push one over one's edges to release and transform. Understanding human psychology and how to read the signals of an individual are keys to its power.

10. Endorphin stimulation & pleasure

Why do some people enjoy hitting and consent to being hit? Or enduring extreme ordeals? Because the human body is a chemical cocktail that can be mixed up with pleasurable outcomes. When metered well, dopamine, oxytocin, seratonin, adrenaline, cortisol can all be used to stimulate the body-mind in unusual ways. Pleasure feels different to every body. Pain, endurance, intensity and extremes can become pleasurable - with or without genitals - and a good headfuck can stimulate the mind in surprisingly arousing ways.

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In the kink world it is said, 'you've got to try something 3 times' because each version of an experience can be so variable, dependent on environment, mood, energy levels as well as the skill and dynamics between the humans involved. If it's new to you, I recommend doing your research on consent and negotiation and playing with experienced player/s. Even amongst professionals there can still be a huge range in diligence and experience. Some forms of play are risky or dangerous so skill is required. There are also some folk that play in ways that may not be the most ethical. Do background checks to stay as safe as possible. You can also attend workshops, read books and join online groups to get more informed and find ways to access events and like-minded folk.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of potential benefits and reasons for engaging in kinky play. Nor are the examples offered limited to the point under which they are presented. The joy of kinky play is that it is complex, interweaving and limited only by one's imagination. There are so many ways to explore, connive, collaborate and celebrate the full range of human erotic expression. There are portals to all manner of possibilities out there should you care to dare…